Worked example: Email Etiquette for Jobs

What this is

The completed fault table (all ten, with the fixes) and a secure Year 10 application email for the Bryn Coed vacancy. The ten faults are the mark scheme — you can tick pupils' tables straight off this page. Show the email only after pupils have drafted their own. The applicant and the employer are both invented.

The ten faults, and the fixes

#	The fault	The fix
1	Sender address "bigdog_2009@example.net"	Use a plain name-based address: "rhys.emlyn.jones@example.net"
2	"Subject: (no subject)"	"Application: Saturday Retail Assistant — Rhys Jones"
3	"hiya" — greeting for a friend, and the manager's name was in the advert	"Dear Mrs Hughes,"
4	Text register: "ur", "recon", "lol", "yeah"	"I saw your advertisement and I would like to apply."
5	Spelling and grammar: "experiance", "i seen", "i aint got no"	"I have no retail experience yet, but…" — and a capital I throughout
6	Pay is the first real question asked ("how much does it pay???")	Leave pay out of the application entirely; ask at interview
7	"can i start at 11" contradicts the advertised 09:00–17:30 shift	Either commit to the advertised hours or do not apply: "I am available for the full shift, 09:00 to 17:30."
8	"my mate said its easy money" — the reason given for wanting the job insults the job	"I want this job because I like working outdoors and I want experience of dealing with customers."
9	"my mum says im hard working" — a claim with no evidence, from a source with no standing	"I have looked after the plants in our school's growing area every lunchtime this year, including over half term."
10	"send us a text back on this number" — wrong reply route, and no number is given; no sign-off or name	"Yours sincerely, Rhys Jones" with a phone number and the email address the employer should reply to

Every fix is a rewritten line rather than a comment such as "be more polite" — that is the difference between a pass and a secure response here.

The application email that would get a reply

From: rhys.emlyn.jones@example.net To: recruitment@bryncoedgardencentre.example Subject: Application: Saturday Retail Assistant - Rhys Jones Dear Mrs Hughes, I am writing to apply for the Saturday Retail Assistant position at Bryn Coed Garden Centre, advertised with a closing date of Friday 9 May. I am sixteen and in Year 11 at Ysgol Bryn Alyn in Wrexham. I would like this job because I already spend most of my free time outdoors and I want proper experience of serving customers before I leave school. Your advert says no experience is needed, but I do have some that is relevant: for the past year I have looked after the raised beds in our school's growing area, watering and dead-heading every lunchtime including through the summer half term, and in December I ran the plant stall at our Christmas fair. That meant handling a float, giving the right change under pressure and answering questions from people who knew far more about plants than I did. I am reliable about weather. The growing area has no shelter and I have not missed a watering slot yet. I am available every Saturday from 09:00 to 17:30, including during the school holidays, and I could start immediately. I am happy to be contacted on 07700 900312 or by reply to this email. Thank you for considering my application. I would be glad to come in for an interview at any time that suits you. Yours sincerely, Rhys Jones 07700 900312 rhys.emlyn.jones@example.net

Subject line names the job and the applicant, so the manager can sort forty emails without opening them. Evidences criterion 1.

Greeting uses the name printed in the advert and pairs correctly with "Yours sincerely". Register is formal throughout with no contractions, slang or emoji. Evidences criterion 2.

Both of the advert's questions are answered explicitly — why ("outdoors… experience of serving customers") and when ("every Saturday from 09:00 to 17:30, including during the school holidays"). Evidences criterion 3.

Every claim is evidenced: reliability by the unmissed watering slots, customer skill by the Christmas fair stall and the float. Nothing rests on "my mum says". Evidences criterion 4.

Reply route is given twice, the phone number is in the 07700 900xxx range reserved for fiction, and there are no spelling errors. Evidences criterion 5.

Why this response is secure

It reads as though the applicant wants this job, not any job: it quotes the advert back and answers it point by point.
The lack of experience is turned into evidence rather than hidden — unpaid work counts, and the pupil says what it taught them.
It never mentions pay, never negotiates the hours, and never asks the employer to reply by a route the employer did not offer.
Length is right: long enough to give evidence, short enough to read in under a minute.
It is a draft. Nothing is sent, and both the applicant and the garden centre are fictional.